What is Toxic Shame, Why Does it Matter and How You Will Handle It?
Toxic Shame is a feeling that is often misunderstood and not discussed. Shame can be toxic and can lead to serious mental health problems if not addressed. So let’s start a conversation about it and get you on a path to healing!
Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.
– Dr. Brené Brown
What is toxic shame
Toxic shame is a term created by psychotherapist Dr. Brené Brown, who defines it as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. Toxic shame affects the way we see ourselves, which in turn affects the way we act in our day-to-day lives.
What does toxic shame look like?
This type of shame can be hard to spot because it lives within your body, mind, and spirit. Is it like guilt? No. Toxic shame is different from guilt because it does not involve the awareness that one has done something wrong and an intention to change their behavior in the future. Shame involves feelings of being worthless just for existing in the first place.
The symptoms of toxic shame are:
- Feeling like you’re not good enough or deserving
- Feeling like you’re unlovable
- Feeling like you have to hide your true self from others
- Comparing yourself to others constantly
- Feelings of being worthless just for existing in the first place
How does toxic shame make a home in your life?
Now that we know what toxic shame is and what it “looks” like let’s go over how it makes a home in your life. Shame knocks its hand on your life’s door when its friends embarrassment and humiliation are around. This feeling arises from something one has done or experienced:
- One’s own actions
- The actions of others
- Witnessing someone else’s actions
- A situation that makes one feel vulnerable and powerless.
Where is shame held?
Once shame is in your life where does it live? Shame is an emotion that is often held in the body. The body is a complex system with many different parts, so it can be difficult to pinpoint where feelings of shame are felt. However, the brain is the location in which shame is held for most people. For others they experience it in their stomach or heart.
How to confront and heal from toxic shame?
There are many ways to cope with shame and some common coping mechanisms are avoidance, blaming oneself, denial, and acceptance. Coping with shame can be difficult for people who have been abused or traumatized because they may experience shame as a result of their abuse or trauma memories.
The most common way people cope with shame is to avoid it completely which means not talking about it at all and not dealing with the feelings that come up when they think about it. However the best path is one that involves healing.
The first step in healing from toxic shame is to identify what has caused it. Once you know what has caused your toxic shame then you can work on letting go of those things and move on with your life.
The predator wants your silence. It feeds their power, entitlement, and they want it to feed your shame.
– Viola Davis
Let Your Fluidity Flow,
Gallus Ogdoad